I get super emotional sometimes. I spent a lot of years very sad. I used to read about the Israelites wandering and how miserable they were, and I felt like I could kind of relate. At least to the being miserable part. But they complained so much.
So. Much.
About everything.
“Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? It has no grain or figs, grapevines or pomegranates. And there is no water to drink!" - Numbers 20:5
They had been in captivity; slavery and bondage, yet they acted like that was better, because at least there, they had pomegranates!
Good grief.
Anyway, some days and some nights, I’m just really emotional. Terry will pull me to him before we drift to sleep, and we will fall asleep holding each other. The other night, I couldn’t stop the tears again. But these were happy tears. Tears of joy. Because for so many years, I was miserable. Sad, scared, lonely, often afraid ... and I deeply missed regretted the breakup Terry and I endured.
But God.
I say that a lot. “But God.” When life seems impossible, but God shows me a way.
When we feel too overwhelmed, but God gives us the strength, and the means to meet the ends.
When the pain is too much to bear, but God sends someone to sit with us.
When the sleepless nights are so long but God soothes us to sleep.
I can tell you now, Michala’s and my past seemed so bleak. But God.
God heard our prayers.
I realize now when Terry and I face struggles, I have a tendency to be like the Israelites. Instead of praising God for delivering me out of the misery in which I once lived, I complain about the lack of pomegranates now.
Of course that is a figure of speech; figurative pomegranates. I know there are plenty available! But I don’t want to be that way. As I felt Terry’s breath get slower and deeper that night as he held me and drifted off to sleep, I cried my tears of joy, and also my tears of shame. Shame on me for fearing the unknown future. Shame on me for being sad about the changes Terry and I will face on the horizon.
Too often, we complain like the Israelites did. Instead of recognizing the thousands of blessings and better things in our lives, we complain about the lack of pomegranates.