We received some news that absolutely wrecked me. My heart was shattered into pieces so broken, all I could do is cry out to the only One who can put the pieces back together. I wasn’t able to sleep. I wasn’t able to eat without being sick. I wasn’t able to clear my mind without the news running like a ticker through my brain. I tried to do everything I encourage everyone else to do: watch something funny. Read God’s Word. Pray. Talk to someone you trust. Listen to worship music. All of these things helped, but they did not heal my mind.
“Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children, who faint from hunger at the head of every street.” - Lamentations 2:19 (NIV)
I love Lamentations. I read it like a book of poetry. Jeremiah and I are so similar in this particular book, because he gets raw with God. He doesn’t sugarcoat his suffering, he lays it out and wails his pain into God’s hands. During this time, mothers were literally starving, and many of them were reduced to cannibalism. (Lamentations 2:20 for reference). So yours and my pain is nothing like what those women experienced.
But yours and my pain is real, nonetheless.
One night as I tossed and turned in bed trying to process the news we had been given, my emotions were all over the map. I went from the state of anguish all the way up to the state of fury; making overnight stops at the state of torment and the state of heartbreak, waking up in the state of despair.
“My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.” - Psalm 6:3-4 (NIV)
I have read the book of Psalms so many times, it’s a wonder the pages have not torn apart. As I wondered about those very pages one morning while reading the familiar and comforting Psalms, I had to smile and nod as I remembered sending my Bible off to be restored a couple of years ago. They put a new leather cover and binding on my Bible, and even pressed out some of the pages that were nearly tattered. That process of restoration was a little more expensive than buying a new Bible, but so worth it to me to not have to buy a new one, and still be able to keep all of the markings and notes from over the years. My parents gave this Bible to me for my 21st birthday. This Bible has held prayers and victories ever since I became an adult. The notes in the margins and tearstained markings are from the scars now restored, by Jesus.
It was during that moment I realized our lives were going to be restored, too. Our precious Heavenly Father offers His restoration through Jesus, and we see Him through the gifts of family and friends who love us during our brokenness. He picks up all of those broken, shattered pieces laying all around, and His love is the glue that puts us back together.
Heartache, grief and suffering are no joke. The raw, guttural pain is nothing new to Papa. He has seen it all, He has heard it all. He hurts right along with us. But as we hurt, He is there to take it from us. We do not have to walk the painful, broken roads, alone. Our solitude is on us, not Him. We are never alone. Our closeness with God is dependent on us. All we have to do is whisper, even in our weakest voice, “I need You,” and He is there. We choose to be alone. God doesn’t choose that for us. He is always there, always ready, always present, always loving.
Our soul may feel the anguish for quite some time, but it doesn’t have to be in anguish, alone.
God will deliver us and save us because of His unfailing love. All we have to do is ask and allow Him to do so.