I miss our old kickboxing class. My sister-friend Lindsey and I used to meet each other early in the morning to take kickboxing. Our instructor April was fierce. She was also fabulous. I not only learned how to defend and protect myself, but it made me feel incredibly strong. I loved the *pop* sound when you punched the paddles in the right spot. It was also an extremely therapeutic way to get out any built up anger.
I tend to bottle up my emotions. We have received a lot of unpleasant news in the past few months, and although I take it directly to Papa in prayer … I realize I have a lot of emotions running all over the place in my heart and mind. As we climbed into bed the other night, I told Terry, “I want to order some kickboxing paddles. Would you hold them for me?” He said, “Absolutely. Let’s get some good gloves for you to protect your hands, too.”
My old counselor, Bob once told me, “You have to feel to heal.” But quite frankly, sometimes what we feel sucks. And I just want to skip ahead to the healing part.
I was reading in Psalms and saw a note in my margin. The scripture was, “My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.” - Psalm 6:3-4 (NIV)
Restoration is promised by God, and although sometimes we might not see total restoration on this side of the Kingdom, we will see complete restoration when Jesus returns. The handwriting in my Bible from that particular in July is even heartbreaking.
I had to feel in order to heal. A lot of what I felt, and some lingering pain that rears its ugly head, did not feel so great. In fact, it felt downright awful. But I can look back over those years of heartache and turmoil and see how God was restoring me and healing my wounds. Even when old wounds resurface, He always heals them.
I am coming up on an anniversary of heartache and abject misery. I look back on this date and the anguish I felt, and I truly did not believe I would survive it. For years, all I wanted to do was fast forward through this date on the calendar and ignore the memory from the pain. But as Bob told me, “You have to feel to heal.” If only I could kickbox my way out of the emotional heartache this brought on, I would have done so. But I had not allowed myself the grieving process to feel in order to heal. Bottling up these emotions was certainly not getting me anywhere.
So one day, I took my heartache and anger out to this private little spot I used to love to go to in Leiper’s Fork, outside of Franklin, Tennessee, and decided to release it. I sat outside that day just crying and praying. I allowed myself to truly feel what I needed to feel, rather than ignoring the emotions and trying to forget them. Looking back, I can almost visualize Jesus sitting on the blanket next to me, placing His arms around me and holding me as I wept.
The pain is not completely gone because it resurfaces at times and I feel the emotions all over, again. But my soul is no longer in anguish the way it once was. And God did turn to me and delivered me; He saved me because of His unfailing love.
We have to allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we need to feel, in order to heal. Be it anger, grief, forgiveness, heartache … we have to feel those uncomfortable feelings we do not want to feel. But we have to feel to heal. I do not know the answer to, “How long, O Lord, how long?” but I do know God will turn to you and deliver you. He will save you because of His unfailing love.